I went ballistic in my last post because C decided to wait until I got home to go to the store. "Well, it wasn't ready til 5." I ASS-umed that they were his scripts.
Turns out it was my Birthday cake. Um. Well. Ooops.
Still, we could have gone out together. He could have grabbed that cake and gotten it into the car with a "gotta run to the bathroom, be right back" at Krogers. He knows how to pull things like that off. He is very good at surprises. And when I am at the grocery, I am pretty oblivious to anything going on because I am trying to do this couponing thing, figure out proteins for meals, what's the best price, etc...
Does it really matter though? probably not. I think that whole deal was left over upset/anger/embarrassment from the Slam on Sex (SOS? that's prolly not funny either, but I had to point it out lol) from the weekend before.
I wonder if the Grill is my birthday present?
Which is fine. And its well put together this time (lol), plus a day off from making dinner... it was nice.
Oh. And the singing around the birthday cake. That was very nice, with all the kiddos, parents, Lisa... there. that turned out well... and guess what! It wasn't even planned! an example of what happens when you don't plan and just let things happen.
I digress.
What I really really wanted for my birthday was an "I Love YOU, Amanda Jane"... and maybe that Talk he alluded to the weekend before (SOS... yep, still talking about it... I did explain how deep that type of rejection hurts, and I guess will take awhile to get past... if ever, that girl at the funeral surely wasn't over after even years... yuck). I would like to hear why he doesn't want to have another baby with me.
I understand the age thing. He just became a Grandpa, which must hit hard on the "feeling old" hormone. I get that.
I also know that he married me knowing that I am 18 years younger and still have a lot of life left to live that he has already lived. It is unfair to deny me the opportunity to live the life I want and to the fullest.
And that life involves another child. Maybe if we had not lost Brandon, this wouldn't be an issue. In fact, I am sure of it.
But my life includes two children to raise. I mean, past the age of 7. You know? I hate that, once again, I am under his thumb and have to bow down to whatever he wants. When do we go with what I want? Doesn't seem like ever.
Most issues are trivial and I can work around. This is NOT trivial. This is so very important to me. I would be crushed if I were never allowed to have another child.
And I hate that word "allowed". We should be equals- you know, Husband and Wife, Mom and Dad. But there is a severe imbalance in our relationship. Most of it has to do with money. I am sure that having another child, or rather not wanting another child, has something to do with money. But, he makes well over the median amount for a family of four. Especially when we are done with Jess's college. That doesn't bother me, but it is a big expense right now. So she will be done next (March? April?) and that's a big chunk of change that will bounce back into our account. My ball and chain will be done a few months after that, again, a rather large amount that will not be going out.
Our only debt includes my Student Loan Debt. Other than that, we have no debt.
All of that- it doesn't matter. What matters is what He thinks. And what He thinks is that we will never be in a position to buy a placemat, let alone a whole other child. Plus the insurance situation.
Whatever. I can throw a week's worth of words at him and I'm not going to change his mind, There's not enough respect going on for that to happen.
AND< here's the big issue: I cannot imagine ever initiating sex again : (. I cannot risk being shot down again. He doesn't ever want to have sex, I think the few times he has since we got married were more of a pity-fuck than anything. That makes me want to puke. I don't want to be a pity-fuck. I want him to be intimate with me because HE wants to, not just to appease me. He used to. He used to think I was pretty and cute and sexy... no more.
And, here's another thing- I don't want to have sex just to make a baby. I don't attempt to schedule sex around ovulation. I'm sure he thinks otherwise because I ordered that Ovulation Predictor thingy for that lady my mom works with. I can't do that. It feels too forced to figure out ovulation patterns and have sex accordingly. That's just fucking... I want the make love kind of sex. I want to be close to him, I want us to feel intimate and touch and and all that good stuff. And the best kind of babies come from the making love kind of sex. I am not going to push a baby on him. Not anymore. No more talks about it, with the exception of his Talk he wanted to say to me. I am too afraid that he would resent a baby that he didn't want. And that would make me sad, sad for the rest of my life.
So when I started this post, I just wanted to say that maybe I assumed too much Saturday, and he actually left to go get something very nice for me. A nice gesture. But... no, no Buts. I am going to let that one simmer the way it is... a Good Thing. Something good for us.
Garage sale this weekend. Never done one before, don't know how to do it, pretty nervous about it. I should probably go work on that now.
Laters, Gators.
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