God Damnit. I try. I really do. I try so fucking hard to get to know him, to spend time with him, but its really kinda hard, if not impossible, when he not reciprocating... or even receptive. I asked him to go with me today to the store. I thought it would be kinda fun to hang out at the Home Depot together. Look at paint colors, check things out, just have fun. Or at least be together. And holy hell would freeze over apparently before he would want to voluntarily spend time with me. Sure. He spends time with me here, in our house... but does he really have a choice? I mean, we both live here. But god damnit if he would want to go somewhere with me, without me begging.
I asked him to go with me last night to see the Pyschidelic. Nope, he says.
I asked him to go with me to the store today. That doesn't sound very exciting, he says.
Last weekend was the most humilating moment of my life. It took A LOT of courage to ask him to... you know. And you know what he said? Let's have a talk. A FUCKING TALK. Wow. Thanks dude. That's a buzz kill. Not to mention embarassing. Jesus. AND THEN, because I didn't want to hear the same song and dance I've heard the past 3 years, I bailed on The Talk, to go to the store (which, incidentally, he also declined to go). BUT, he did request condoms.
Condoms? What The Fuck? Are you serious? We have NEVER, EVER, EVER used a rubber. What is the fucking deal?
Why am I such a piece of trash, not capable of being a mother apparently? I don't fucking get it. Really? I mean, I'm not already a mommy? And a DAMN GOOD mommy? Is Grayson not happy, healthy, getting smarter everyday?
Do you have any idea what it feels like to be turned down for sex? OR, to have to qualify first with A Talk and a Rubber? Do you have any idea what that does to a woman's confidence, self-esteem? Do you understand that that hurts in a place that is so deep down that it grinds and stabs and hurts?
He had told me a story about a woman that he met when he was in high school (so I guess she was a girl really, but whatever), and he had declined to sleep with her... and then many, many years later she showed up to his stepdad's funeral, and she was still so upset and hurt and angry about that incident. Did he not get it? That you can't just do that to a woman, but... and this is the stick, he did it to his wife. WIFE.
Although I'm not even sure he regards me as his wife? It sure as fuck doesn't feel like it.
So what set me off here is that I asked him to go with me today, and of course he declined ("that doesn't sound too exciting"). So I get him, unload, ready to do something, ANYTHING, together... and he says "well, I'm going to the store." Um... WHAT? Why would you wait until I got home to go? Of course I know the answer. To decrease the time he has to be around me. I'm gone for 3 1/2 hours, I get home, and then he leaves. Perfect. That is just fucking perfect. So what if your scripts weren't ready until 5? Uh, yeah, you could have MENTIONED that, and I would have waited to go so I could go with you, since I am out from 12-7 today.
I don't understand. I am so so tired of trying so hard and getting slammed down every time. That wall is so huge and thick and built out stone, brick and super glue, and there just doesn't seem to be a way for me to break it down and get to him.
BUT, maybe the problem is is because he is pushing, holding that wall up as hard as he can. He doesn't WANT ME to break it down. He DOESN'T WANT ME. Not in the intimate, marriage-type, we're in this together type of way. Sure, I'm good for taking care of his child, getting Gray out of his way when he gets frustrated and upset with him (which seems to be a lot). I can do his laundry and feed his face. Yep. That's all I'm good for.
So I am feeling really great right now, and I love it and its my favorite to feel like a piece of shit, a burden, a pity-fuck, to my husband. Yep. Its so awesome.
So that's my Saturday afternoon. How's yours?
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