Baby Z

Baby Zoey is the sweetest thing. She does the pouty lip thing! Ha! Adorable.

C held her for a very long time. He looked... natural, comfortable... it was sweet.

I held her. I was afraid to, because I want one so very badly. It felt SOOO good to hold a baby. Sniff that intoxicating baby scent. Those little toes... which aren't so little actually, Baby Z has got some long toes lol.

But man, I was holding back the tears while they were here, and they just started flowing as soon as they left. It's not jealousy. It's longing. It's a soul thing.

And the one thing that would make it all better is a Hug. Acknowledgment that I was having a hard time.

But... he took off for the backyard with G, which is fine, and I absolutely love how involved he is with Gray. He plays with him EVERY SINGLE DAY. He reads to him, teaches him, holds him, puts him to bed... he's a good daddy. A very good daddy.

If only he and I were as close as he and G, or me and G. A child should not come between their mom and dad. It should be Mom and Dad... and Child. So we have sort of an imbalance here. Not the worst situation to be in, but I am longing, wishing, needing... a husband. Not a partner (which he said he didn't want to be again, but old habits are hard to break). I need a lover, not just for baby-making, but for intimacy and love and caring.

I need an I Love You. Oh My. To hear those words...

I hope I don't have to wait until OUR 25th anniversary to hear them. I hope we can break out of the Tony and Kathy cycle and habits, and create new ones... our own. That fit US.

My Name Isn't Lisa.