Sundays are so hard for me. I miss that little face everyday, but especially on Sundays. I suppose because the accident happened on Sunday. I wish I could just skip from Saturday to Monday. Or maybe Tuesday. Hell, I dunno. I am just not having a good day. Seems like all my Sundays bring a day full of tears. And no one (in my home) seems to understand it. They take it personally. And its not personal. A hug would be awesome. But we haven't made it to the Touching Chapter in the Book I guess.
So it just wasn't a good idea to bring up the budget today. I took it hard. I can't understand and don't want to live being afraid of everything that *could* happen. What kind of life is that? How miserable. I am not built to live that way. And I am being forced to, which is causing a lot of consternation in my soul. Not sure how to change the situation. Nothing I say seems to matter. I get shot down on everything I come up with. Even my spaghetti isn't good enough? I don't understand this marriage. I really don't. I'm not happy. Nothing seems to make Him happy. Nothing I do is good enough. It's like he is my Father and I am his Child. So what if the IRS comes after us? So what if the car breaks down? So what if the house catches on fire, or there's another accident, or someone hits the mailbox? I mean, Jesus Christ, anything could happen at anytime. But good things could happen too. But we can't count on those. We have to be afraid of the moon crashing into our house any minute now. So can't have anything nice. Because the toilet might overflow or our shoes might get muddy. Yeah, shit happens. But that should not force us to live in fear of that possible shit. Living like that is like not living at all. And I hate it.
When we were dating, it was so awesome. He loved me, he told me he loved me. Often. Now? Never. I'm not even sure if he does? We used to have fun together. Now we do NOTHING together. We used to talk. Now all talks end in tears. What the hell happened? This is not the person I thought I was marrying. I'm not sure who the hell I am married to. I don't even know him anymore? And he won't let me in to get to know him. Sex? Hell, it's like pulling teeth. He's not even attracted to me anymore. I am not desirable like I once was. Is it because I've gained weight? Is it because I don't make enough money? Is it because I am a Convicted Felon? Why am I not good enough anymore? He used to respect me. Not anymore. I'm really surprised he trusts me to stay home with G.
I hate not being good enough. I hate being forced to live in fear of something that may or may NOT happen. And who the hell even knows what that something is? I hate not being happy.
And I especially hate being a Sad Mom. More than anything.
Maybe someday I will stop being punished for the couple of errors I made in my life. I thought losing my baby would be enough, but no. I am still being punished.
I just wanna be happy. And it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Especially in this marriage. Unless something makes him realize that I exist, that I am not a child, that I do have some value in this family.
Boo. I hate Sundays.
