I haven't updated in awhile! Which occurred to me, as I was chatting with a new friend, that I apparently only feel compelled to post when things aren't going well. So I am trying something new and funky lol= I'm going to do a "happy post" : ).
I think last I posted, I was lamenting babies and "I Love You." Both of those issues, more or less, are... not really even issues. Ha!
Babies. Yes, I still feel a deep, unsettled yearning to have another baby. I am still convinced that if I had not lost Bran, I wouldn't be feeling this way. But, I did, so, I do. Not only to settle my own maternal needs. But also, for Gray. I want him to have that companionship that only siblings can provide. Someone to grow up with. Someone to shoulder the responsibilities of dealing with aging parents. A lifelong confidant and friend.
However, really, I need to cool it. It has become obvious to me that things when and IF they are meant to be. So, if a baby brother or sister is on the overall life plan for G, they s/he will be conceived in due time. It is doing NO ONE any good for me to be on this fiery fury, come hell or high water, to make a baby. In fact, that pressure actually brings about its own troubles- primarily making sex a very uncomfortable and, apparently unhappy, experience. Besides that, I *think* I was desperately wanting and needing the closeness and intimacy with my husband. As I tend to be shy about that 3 letter word, and admitting that I would like "to do that," I disguised under a "practical reason"= procreating. I'm absolutely sure there is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with my husband; however, my hard wiring makes it very difficult for me to admit that. So... as far as sex and babies go... I would much, much, MUCH prefer to have the shared love and intimacy with my husband 100 times, than to have uncomfortable, "get it over with" sex that results in a baby even once. Moreover, I'm not sure that I would be comfortable with a pregnancy if it were conceived out of anything but love.
The other thing is, given a choice, I would love to have a Fall baby. Which means that conception would occur sometime between January-March. So, I don't even WANNA get pregnant for several months! So there. lol.
My point is, I have committed to no longer forcing the issue. It was causing a lot of hurt feelings, frustration, and uncomfortableness that was just not needed. I still need the intimacy, and have decided that maybe protection isn't such a bad thing. I *still* don't know or understand his resistance to a baby, or his insistence on protection, but he'll tell me when he is ready and feeling safe/comfortable enough to share. Until then, if we can maintain the relative happiness that has been happening around here... and not only maintain, but strengthen it, I am happy to do whatever he needs to do to feel comfortable. If a condom makes him more comfortable, I have no objection. *not now, anyways lol. Maybe if we are still riding his horse in a few years... but for now, things are okay... better than okay, and I'm okay with that.
Also, he loves me : ). Know how I know? Cause HE SAID IT! Aww. I love that sound coming from him. I never doubted that he loved me... I only doubted that I would ever hear it again lol. I love it because he says it with such conviction and sincerity. One of the most beautiful sounds on the planet, to my ears at least. That, along with a beautiful new strand of pearls and earrings, a delicious rib roast/potato dish dinner, and some miscellaneous somethings... absolutely made my "delayed birthday" one of the better days I have had in recent memory. I replay his "I love you" over and over... remembering the sound of it, the way the tears sprang to my eyes and all of my silly fussing melted away.
Its been a difficult past couple of months, from May 23 to... yesterday. So many words, but they are all so sad, and it all comes down to "I Miss My Brandon." I don't want to say too much, as this is a happy post, and I've already said many many words on the other site about Bran. My heart still hurts as much as it did 4 years ago. Its not as shocking, but it hurts the same. The hurt is so big, bigger than anything you could ever imagine, and the anniversary days definitely took a toll on me. I can only let it out a little at a time... to let it all out at once would be way too painful. So I've spent the past week on the constant edge... a constant lump in my throat, the tears just ready to be given permission to spill.
The Blanket Drive was a success! Around 80 blankies, although I won't have an exact count until Mom brings what she has. I love how sincere and thoughtful people are, people who didn't even know Bran, or maybe even us, but realize what a beautiful way of remembering him. I am excited to deliver them, to know that the folks at the Soup Kitchen and nursing home and those sweet babies at the hospital will have their very own Brandon Blanket very soon.
I took Bran on a playdate with a new friend today... she has a cute little family, cute little house, cute little kids. And a Real Chef- prepared lunch of homemade pizza (seriously delicious : ). Gray had a great time. I am not used to him being the "biggest" kid, so I was so embarrassed when he blatantly bullied a 1 year old baby boy : (. Geez... I swear I raised him better than that. But it was also obvious to me that he is an only child, and I see where he would benefit from having a baby around here... needing to share attention, toys, time... and learn compassion and empathy.
We've been listening to Junie B on CD in the car. I love that he loves it, almost feels as though Bran might be in the car with us, as he also dearly loved Junie B. I love that G loves to read, and be read to, and listen to books on tape. I love that he sees me reading most everyday. I hope that he develops a passion and interest in reading and enjoys it as much as I do. I am proud that I am at least doing this parenting trick right lol. If nothing else, my boy is definitely read to. Every day. Several books. Every day.
We went for a swim when we got home, and I am tired. That been-in-the-water-and-sunshine tired that feels so wholesome and good. We had a good day today. We've had a lot of good days around here, especially between C and I. Its been good. Finally, I can say that things are good. Feels... good.
