Christmas 2010

This Christmas was pretty awesome, really. We had all kinds of visitors since I can't do the visiting and it was nice to see everyone. J looks awesome, really cute in her little dress and adorable shoes, and S has a baby somewhere, but I couldn't find her? Z has grown up and matured since I saw him last... he's a Real Man now. I kinda miss the goofy, fun Zak but this one is gearing up for a babe of his own, so I guess it is time he grew up.

Santa came and was great. Jim is really a wonderful man. I like having him for a dad, since my own is slowly fickling out. Of course, my mother got some digs in, something about mayonaise in my hair and a crime spree that started years ago. I tried not to let her hurt my feelings... but she did. I don't like discussing those things, especially at a holiday gathering, more especially with my brother, and most especially making jokes about it. ANYWAY... the kiddos were cute, they got lots of loot, and G was just overwhelmed with the whole thing. He is loving Popping Pig, Grinch and Pat Pat Rocket. Santa was very good to him this year.

Charlie wasn't terribly excited about his gifts, especially the speakers, which kinda let me down. BUT, it's hard to excite him about anything. I am sure he appreciates it all, deep down. He got me a lovely butterfly ornament= "an ornament from the heart" and it is probably my favorite ornament ever. My little Brandon fluttering around the tree. Lots of trashy mags and knitting tools, which were fun, and two loungy type outfits that fit my lifestyle perfectly. Oh! A towel with velcro! Very awesome.

Lots of Willow Tree also, so I would like a hutch to put it all in. I Heart Willow Tree.

We are all sick today and so taking it easy. My head feels like its ballooned out 15 sizes too big. I have to check in today and that's mostly it. Soup and Sandwiches. Naps. Quiet Play.

And a LONG leisurely shower coming up. Slathering Bath and Body and washing hair (sans mayo)... think I will head that way now. The best part will be the Velcro Towel. Can hardly wait.

Hugs and Kisses.

A to the Z.

Geez.

I was just trying to be nice to you when I sent you that nice little note, coupons and that check. I am sorry that you felt compelled to check with your dad to make sure it was okay to cash it. I don't understand why you don't understand that we ARE married, we have been for four years, and I am definitely ALLOWED to write checks from my OWN checking account? You have turned a nice gesture into hurting my feelings. I am sorry that you don't respect or trust me. Do you think it is stolen money or what? I will never move past my past if people like you keep throwing it back in my face. Thanks for ruining what I anticipated to be a nice and comfy Sunday afternoon with MY husband and little boy.

However, since you got your permission from MY HUSBAND to cash the check, I hope you enjoy all of your new clothes for your skinniness. And I hope someday you accept me as your dad's WIFE and as a good, giving, sincere person just trying to make it in this harsh world.

Saturdays

I shop on Saturdays. It has become my norm. I did that today. Nothing too exciting, and I didn't even use all of my allotted time?

However, one thing did happen. I stopped the car in the middle of the country, got out and screamed. Afterwards, I gave myself a swift kick in the arse and realized that I can do ANYTHING I want to in this life... except bring Brandon back. I simply CANNOT bring him back. That's a hard pill to swallow. I am so used to focusing on what I want and working hard to make it happen. But no matter how hard I try, I will never see that sweet face again. Not in this lifetime.

Life isn't fair. My life isn't fair. I want my baby back. And all the wanting and pleading and begging and screaming will not bring him back. It's the saddest thing I know.

I found a beautiful little family to accept Brandon's Gifts this year. It will make my heart smile to know that there will be boys on this planet opening gifts from Brandon. I'm sure he will be smiling down on those little guys as they open their gifts. Their Brandon Gifts.

My friend Coop is gone until Jan 6. Talking to her will be touch and go. I haven't heard anything from her psycho boyfriend (ex?) in a week. Thank goodness. We really don't need people like that in our life. But Coop... I've got a soft spot for her. Even if she is an idiot sometimes. She got 60 more days tacked on to her sentence for refusing a drug test. I'm not sure what's up with that? I thought she was doing better? It makes me want to help her even more. I love that girl. She is the epitomy of being a friend. We are Biffles, now and always. I just wish she would get her shit together and start really living life. But she has to get her life back first. I can't wait to see her again.

Tomorrow is church (!) and laundry and dishes and WRAPPING. Good Grief. Do we really know this many people?! It makes me feel good to give though. It warms my soul.

Another crazy post. I will get the hang of blogging one of these days. Til then-

A to the Zzzzzzzzz....!

LockDown

We are in for the day. That might seem okay, as there is plenty to do around here in the form of cleaning,dishes, laundry, etc... and it's cold out. Who wants to go out in the cold? Well, when I can't is when I want to. I miss my freedom to come and go as I please.

However, having the perspective that I do and having lost all of my rights and freedom for 9 weeks and 4 days, I am most thankful to be in my home, with my boys, during the holidays. Because that wasn't the original plan. Good old Peyton wanted me to be a resident at the Annex during this holiday season. Screw you Peyton! I may have lost the war, but I did win one battle. A very important battle.

So perhaps me and G will get jiggy and start cleaning up around here? Perhaps I will make Spaghetti with Meat Sauce tonight? Perhaps I should start shoveling through the piles of gifts to wrap?

That would all make me feel good and productive. But I can't seem to find any endurance to get started?

What a strange life I live. And what strange, convoluted posts I make. But this blog is mostly for me.

And I miss Brandon today. Hard and Fast and In My Core. I miss his cheeks and his lankiness and his little sweet voice and oh... those hands. I miss holding those little hands. Why did he have to go away?

End post.

Welcome

I have considered a blog for as long as I can remember. I finally took the plunge after seeing someone else start up a blog from Indy Moms.

It's the holiday season and I am finding this year to be easier than the previous three. I'm not sure how I feel about that... I want to feel happy for myself but I am still so sad for Brandon? And then there's little Grayson, who is an awesome little guy and who deserves a mom who is aware and participating in life. It's the biggest conundrum and saddest thing I know... trying to balance myself between my two little boys in two different places. I am learning to find that balance, but I am still a little lopsided, not wanting to leave Bran behind as I move forward with Grayson.

I am having a little minor surgery next week. I am hoping that this will increase our chances of conceiving a little someone. I find it interesting and different that I am having trouble getting pregnant, as I have never been in this situation. My boys just kind of appeared in my belly without even trying to put them there! I would love a little GracieJane Elizabeth, but a Trace Tyler would make me just as happy. *Sigh* Life is so hard sometimes. Nothing comes easy, especially in my world.

So my first post! And got a little deep into feelings and emotions! Silly, emotional girl. I'm going to post this and see what happens. Welcome to A to the Z!