But about this birthday. If anyone is interested, this is my Wish List...
1. For my Charlie to tell me he loves me. Man. It's been so so long since he has said those three (four if you throw Shortie on the end... five if you throw Amanda Jane on the end... six if you then throw Wifey on the end...), but anyway, I am not sure when the switch got flipped and his "I Love Yous" got buried, but it does kinda hurt that he can't seem to bring himself to say them. Does that mean that he doesn't love me? No. I'm pretty sure not. I just wish he still wanted me, still was attracted to me, still couldn't stop himself from muttering those three little words that make my heart smile and tear at the same time. I wish he could love me like he used to. Was it the panty hose? The status of having a Pretty Young Thang... and a smart, successful one to boot? I dunno. I wish I did know. I wish I knew a lot of things about him. I try. I really do. I try to break that wall down, and sometimes I do, but then it goes back up so quickly : (. This marriage stuff is hard. I get that. I really do. But giving me those three words would make it all so much... easier, better, lighter... to know, to hear, that he does love me.... So... That's my Number One. On to Number Two...
2. I want this: http://www.amazon.com/Brookstone-Waterhog-Entry-Mat/dp/B000O74MZS/ref=pd_sbs_ol_11... tan for the front door, navy for the back.
3. A curling iron. Any old curling iron will do, but definitely with a quick heat up and automatic shut off. Safety First you know.
4. A red string... here's the story: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_string_(Kabbalah)... (I kinda need all the help I can get)
5. Freedom would be awesome, it is a cornerstone of this (great?) country we live in... but... Mr. Witham said no : (. Which makes me very sad.
6. This sucker would be fun! http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=4052861&CAWELAID=480496171 Especially for me and Gray seeing as how we will be spending another year at our homestead... and shipping is free! Woo hoo! PLUS, since my birthday is being postponed until the July 4th weekend (sorry Zak, but I really do kinda need my boy home for the party...)
7.
8. Tretorns. Size 8. White CANVAS. With blue swishy thing.
9. A new kitchen? Aw, dreams... (which I am absolutely allowed to have... how can a person live a life without striving for something? I mean, something besides money in the bank. Although nice, there has to be a cap, in which a person can make their life better, more comfortable... things aren't all that important, except they are... things that a person can be proud of, can enjoy, can feel comfortable... I gotta start making my own money so that I can have a respected position in the money conversations... as is, I feel as though I am not allowed to want for anything, because I don't bring anything in. Except I do? I am raising a wonderful, sweet, smart little boy... and that is priceless. So maybe I'm projecting? and I wonder why I always get so damn deep in these blog posts? I suppose I am "brain writing" without regard to the words I am typing... these words are real, they are raw, they are mine, with no editing.) Okay, on to the next Wish...
10. A baby. And I think this one is actually above my #1 wish. I was never meant to be the momma of an only child. I don't want that for Grayson. Its lonely. Having siblings means eventually having more family... sister/brother-in-laws, nieces and nephews, so on... family is so important to me, and I have instilled that in my Grayson. I would love to... no, I NEED to... give Gray a sibling. But this is such a complicated issue. And actually, since I bailed on "The Talk," I don't even know what the hell the issue is? How can a new baby be anything but a blessing? This actually goes with #1 I guess, where I suppose I need to understand that man I am married to better so that I can play a real part in this marriage, instead of offering up ideas and getting shot down, or having to have a talk about why we can't do this or that... its so frustrating to me, because I get the NO loud and clear, but then no reasoning? And then.. no compromise? This makes me sad, I'm going to be 36, my clock is starting to tick, and his is ticking LOUD... why not? why no? why no baby? I wish I knew. And I wish we could talk it through so that maybe its a possibility. I have to stop this, I have tears streaming and that funny little gut wrench that makes you want to reach in and grab your heart out so you don't have to feel the pain.
Wow. This was supposed to be a fun birthday post, with all kinds of silliness and wishes, and it turned into a Heart Pouring. I wish these words weren't swirling around in my head, but maybe that was the point... that I needed to pull the words and thoughts outof the swirl, see them with my eyes, feel them under the keys, and get the swirl under control. But here's the problem... now the Swirl is swirling even faster, with many words and thoughts and feelings all jumbled up... I'm a mess. I just wish I knew why #1 He doesn't love me like he used to, #2, he doesn't want me (intimately) like he used to, and #3 what's so wrong with me that I am not allowed to have another sweet bundle of babyness? These are questions I've had for so long, and will probably continue to have, because I can't seem to pull the answers out.
So, to change the subject, I think I'm going to call the Temple of Enlightenment (or something like that) and see about an appointment with a psychic? Or maybe a Medium? Cause here's why... #1 I desperately want to talk to my boys (my baby and my daddy) and ask them a few questions that have been weighing me down, and #2 I want to know what path my life is going to take so that I can build on that. So those are my reasons for wanting an appointment. I think I am strong enough to handle any fall out that may occur, answers from my boys that maybe I don't necessarily want to hear, but I think I need to hear them.
And also, Blanket Drive anyone? Check us out on Facebook= http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/White-Blanket-Blanket-Drive-hosted-by-Tony-Grayson-and-Amanda-Zurwell/163112573752867?sk=info the info page of the profile tells the story of Brandon's Blanket (how I wish I had it here with me... one of my greatest regrets, but at the time it made sense to send it off with him). Anyway, its a good thing, its a good cause, and reaching our goal of 100 blankies will make getting through this six week period between his birthday (May 23) and the day we lost him (4 years ago on July 8) so much easier, knowing that this planet has not forgotten my sweet little boy, and warming the hearts (and bodies) of those in need. Please consider it. Blankets don't need to be fancy, or expensive, those rolled up fleece blankets are the most popular at the Soup Kitchen, and what are they? $5 or $6 bucks? Please consider this and if you can, pick up a blankie sometime to donate. You have no idea how your one donated blanket will cause so much joy. And Joy is what we need during this difficult time.
I gotta stop typing. I'm very... wordy? emotional? something tonight, and prolly need to go back and edit tomorrow morning. Fornow, I will leave the words raw.
ps Its a Full Moon tonight... maybe that's my deal?
Azers to the Zzers
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