I haven't updated in awhile! Which occurred to me, as I was chatting with a new friend, that I apparently only feel compelled to post when things aren't going well. So I am trying something new and funky lol= I'm going to do a "happy post" : ).
I think last I posted, I was lamenting babies and "I Love You." Both of those issues, more or less, are... not really even issues. Ha!
Babies. Yes, I still feel a deep, unsettled yearning to have another baby. I am still convinced that if I had not lost Bran, I wouldn't be feeling this way. But, I did, so, I do. Not only to settle my own maternal needs. But also, for Gray. I want him to have that companionship that only siblings can provide. Someone to grow up with. Someone to shoulder the responsibilities of dealing with aging parents. A lifelong confidant and friend.
However, really, I need to cool it. It has become obvious to me that things when and IF they are meant to be. So, if a baby brother or sister is on the overall life plan for G, they s/he will be conceived in due time. It is doing NO ONE any good for me to be on this fiery fury, come hell or high water, to make a baby. In fact, that pressure actually brings about its own troubles- primarily making sex a very uncomfortable and, apparently unhappy, experience. Besides that, I *think* I was desperately wanting and needing the closeness and intimacy with my husband. As I tend to be shy about that 3 letter word, and admitting that I would like "to do that," I disguised under a "practical reason"= procreating. I'm absolutely sure there is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with my husband; however, my hard wiring makes it very difficult for me to admit that. So... as far as sex and babies go... I would much, much, MUCH prefer to have the shared love and intimacy with my husband 100 times, than to have uncomfortable, "get it over with" sex that results in a baby even once. Moreover, I'm not sure that I would be comfortable with a pregnancy if it were conceived out of anything but love.
The other thing is, given a choice, I would love to have a Fall baby. Which means that conception would occur sometime between January-March. So, I don't even WANNA get pregnant for several months! So there. lol.
My point is, I have committed to no longer forcing the issue. It was causing a lot of hurt feelings, frustration, and uncomfortableness that was just not needed. I still need the intimacy, and have decided that maybe protection isn't such a bad thing. I *still* don't know or understand his resistance to a baby, or his insistence on protection, but he'll tell me when he is ready and feeling safe/comfortable enough to share. Until then, if we can maintain the relative happiness that has been happening around here... and not only maintain, but strengthen it, I am happy to do whatever he needs to do to feel comfortable. If a condom makes him more comfortable, I have no objection. *not now, anyways lol. Maybe if we are still riding his horse in a few years... but for now, things are okay... better than okay, and I'm okay with that.
Also, he loves me : ). Know how I know? Cause HE SAID IT! Aww. I love that sound coming from him. I never doubted that he loved me... I only doubted that I would ever hear it again lol. I love it because he says it with such conviction and sincerity. One of the most beautiful sounds on the planet, to my ears at least. That, along with a beautiful new strand of pearls and earrings, a delicious rib roast/potato dish dinner, and some miscellaneous somethings... absolutely made my "delayed birthday" one of the better days I have had in recent memory. I replay his "I love you" over and over... remembering the sound of it, the way the tears sprang to my eyes and all of my silly fussing melted away.
Its been a difficult past couple of months, from May 23 to... yesterday. So many words, but they are all so sad, and it all comes down to "I Miss My Brandon." I don't want to say too much, as this is a happy post, and I've already said many many words on the other site about Bran. My heart still hurts as much as it did 4 years ago. Its not as shocking, but it hurts the same. The hurt is so big, bigger than anything you could ever imagine, and the anniversary days definitely took a toll on me. I can only let it out a little at a time... to let it all out at once would be way too painful. So I've spent the past week on the constant edge... a constant lump in my throat, the tears just ready to be given permission to spill.
The Blanket Drive was a success! Around 80 blankies, although I won't have an exact count until Mom brings what she has. I love how sincere and thoughtful people are, people who didn't even know Bran, or maybe even us, but realize what a beautiful way of remembering him. I am excited to deliver them, to know that the folks at the Soup Kitchen and nursing home and those sweet babies at the hospital will have their very own Brandon Blanket very soon.
I took Bran on a playdate with a new friend today... she has a cute little family, cute little house, cute little kids. And a Real Chef- prepared lunch of homemade pizza (seriously delicious : ). Gray had a great time. I am not used to him being the "biggest" kid, so I was so embarrassed when he blatantly bullied a 1 year old baby boy : (. Geez... I swear I raised him better than that. But it was also obvious to me that he is an only child, and I see where he would benefit from having a baby around here... needing to share attention, toys, time... and learn compassion and empathy.
We've been listening to Junie B on CD in the car. I love that he loves it, almost feels as though Bran might be in the car with us, as he also dearly loved Junie B. I love that G loves to read, and be read to, and listen to books on tape. I love that he sees me reading most everyday. I hope that he develops a passion and interest in reading and enjoys it as much as I do. I am proud that I am at least doing this parenting trick right lol. If nothing else, my boy is definitely read to. Every day. Several books. Every day.
We went for a swim when we got home, and I am tired. That been-in-the-water-and-sunshine tired that feels so wholesome and good. We had a good day today. We've had a lot of good days around here, especially between C and I. Its been good. Finally, I can say that things are good. Feels... good.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Baby Z
Baby Zoey is the sweetest thing. She does the pouty lip thing! Ha! Adorable.
C held her for a very long time. He looked... natural, comfortable... it was sweet.
I held her. I was afraid to, because I want one so very badly. It felt SOOO good to hold a baby. Sniff that intoxicating baby scent. Those little toes... which aren't so little actually, Baby Z has got some long toes lol.
But man, I was holding back the tears while they were here, and they just started flowing as soon as they left. It's not jealousy. It's longing. It's a soul thing.
And the one thing that would make it all better is a Hug. Acknowledgment that I was having a hard time.
But... he took off for the backyard with G, which is fine, and I absolutely love how involved he is with Gray. He plays with him EVERY SINGLE DAY. He reads to him, teaches him, holds him, puts him to bed... he's a good daddy. A very good daddy.
If only he and I were as close as he and G, or me and G. A child should not come between their mom and dad. It should be Mom and Dad... and Child. So we have sort of an imbalance here. Not the worst situation to be in, but I am longing, wishing, needing... a husband. Not a partner (which he said he didn't want to be again, but old habits are hard to break). I need a lover, not just for baby-making, but for intimacy and love and caring.
I need an I Love You. Oh My. To hear those words...
I hope I don't have to wait until OUR 25th anniversary to hear them. I hope we can break out of the Tony and Kathy cycle and habits, and create new ones... our own. That fit US.
My Name Isn't Lisa.
C held her for a very long time. He looked... natural, comfortable... it was sweet.
I held her. I was afraid to, because I want one so very badly. It felt SOOO good to hold a baby. Sniff that intoxicating baby scent. Those little toes... which aren't so little actually, Baby Z has got some long toes lol.
But man, I was holding back the tears while they were here, and they just started flowing as soon as they left. It's not jealousy. It's longing. It's a soul thing.
And the one thing that would make it all better is a Hug. Acknowledgment that I was having a hard time.
But... he took off for the backyard with G, which is fine, and I absolutely love how involved he is with Gray. He plays with him EVERY SINGLE DAY. He reads to him, teaches him, holds him, puts him to bed... he's a good daddy. A very good daddy.
If only he and I were as close as he and G, or me and G. A child should not come between their mom and dad. It should be Mom and Dad... and Child. So we have sort of an imbalance here. Not the worst situation to be in, but I am longing, wishing, needing... a husband. Not a partner (which he said he didn't want to be again, but old habits are hard to break). I need a lover, not just for baby-making, but for intimacy and love and caring.
I need an I Love You. Oh My. To hear those words...
I hope I don't have to wait until OUR 25th anniversary to hear them. I hope we can break out of the Tony and Kathy cycle and habits, and create new ones... our own. That fit US.
My Name Isn't Lisa.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
ETA...
I kinda enjoy this private little corner in cyberspace where I can allow all of my feelings to gush out and all over this page. It seems to be providing an outlet so that I can move on IRL without being tied down to by the raging hormone du jour. <<<< that was kinda funny, but only if you are Charlie, and since he doesn't even know that this thing even exists (thank goodness! I would be so... embarassed maybe? something for sure!) no one is going to get it. Oh, I suppose Amy Somebody-Or-Another would, and maybe AS... but that's it. For sure.
Obviously, when I get real passionate/sad/angry about something, it does bubble up in my real life, but all I am saying is that this is a nice place to go and breathe, say whatever I have to say uncensored, and then come back to reality with a bit of a lighter load. Unlike many others, I am not blogging for the entertainment of others... I am blogging to keep my sanity in check by displacing as much negative as I can so that I can focus on positive. I don't know if its helping or not, but I do know that I enjoy no one really knowing about this blog, so I can be real and raw.
Just in case you are blog-surfing and do stumble across this thing, although you most likely don't know me and will never know me, I am NOT at all as angry, cussy, mean as i sound in this blog, FTR... which is another reason I enjoy this thing, it allows me to brain-write, which has not gone through my censoring processes... so a lot of what I write here I would never ever actually say... but again, that's the whole point.
Obviously, when I get real passionate/sad/angry about something, it does bubble up in my real life, but all I am saying is that this is a nice place to go and breathe, say whatever I have to say uncensored, and then come back to reality with a bit of a lighter load. Unlike many others, I am not blogging for the entertainment of others... I am blogging to keep my sanity in check by displacing as much negative as I can so that I can focus on positive. I don't know if its helping or not, but I do know that I enjoy no one really knowing about this blog, so I can be real and raw.
Just in case you are blog-surfing and do stumble across this thing, although you most likely don't know me and will never know me, I am NOT at all as angry, cussy, mean as i sound in this blog, FTR... which is another reason I enjoy this thing, it allows me to brain-write, which has not gone through my censoring processes... so a lot of what I write here I would never ever actually say... but again, that's the whole point.
sAD.
I'm just sad. If the Asshats down there hadn't decided to use me in their stupid little politics as their fall guy then I would still have my job, my integrity, respect, MY FUCKING LIFE... oh, and let us not forget that Brandon would most likely still be here. Do you know how much that hurts that one very ridiculous error in judgment caused me to lose everything? I wonder if they are ever remorseful that THEY are the ones that started this snowball of sadness, crisis, trauma... that THEY took my life from me.
And I have no freaking clue how to rebuild.
Stupid suits.
And I have no freaking clue how to rebuild.
Stupid suits.
Well. A Slight Oops.
I went ballistic in my last post because C decided to wait until I got home to go to the store. "Well, it wasn't ready til 5." I ASS-umed that they were his scripts.
Turns out it was my Birthday cake. Um. Well. Ooops.
Still, we could have gone out together. He could have grabbed that cake and gotten it into the car with a "gotta run to the bathroom, be right back" at Krogers. He knows how to pull things like that off. He is very good at surprises. And when I am at the grocery, I am pretty oblivious to anything going on because I am trying to do this couponing thing, figure out proteins for meals, what's the best price, etc...
Does it really matter though? probably not. I think that whole deal was left over upset/anger/embarrassment from the Slam on Sex (SOS? that's prolly not funny either, but I had to point it out lol) from the weekend before.
I wonder if the Grill is my birthday present?
Which is fine. And its well put together this time (lol), plus a day off from making dinner... it was nice.
Oh. And the singing around the birthday cake. That was very nice, with all the kiddos, parents, Lisa... there. that turned out well... and guess what! It wasn't even planned! an example of what happens when you don't plan and just let things happen.
I digress.
What I really really wanted for my birthday was an "I Love YOU, Amanda Jane"... and maybe that Talk he alluded to the weekend before (SOS... yep, still talking about it... I did explain how deep that type of rejection hurts, and I guess will take awhile to get past... if ever, that girl at the funeral surely wasn't over after even years... yuck). I would like to hear why he doesn't want to have another baby with me.
I understand the age thing. He just became a Grandpa, which must hit hard on the "feeling old" hormone. I get that.
I also know that he married me knowing that I am 18 years younger and still have a lot of life left to live that he has already lived. It is unfair to deny me the opportunity to live the life I want and to the fullest.
And that life involves another child. Maybe if we had not lost Brandon, this wouldn't be an issue. In fact, I am sure of it.
But my life includes two children to raise. I mean, past the age of 7. You know? I hate that, once again, I am under his thumb and have to bow down to whatever he wants. When do we go with what I want? Doesn't seem like ever.
Most issues are trivial and I can work around. This is NOT trivial. This is so very important to me. I would be crushed if I were never allowed to have another child.
And I hate that word "allowed". We should be equals- you know, Husband and Wife, Mom and Dad. But there is a severe imbalance in our relationship. Most of it has to do with money. I am sure that having another child, or rather not wanting another child, has something to do with money. But, he makes well over the median amount for a family of four. Especially when we are done with Jess's college. That doesn't bother me, but it is a big expense right now. So she will be done next (March? April?) and that's a big chunk of change that will bounce back into our account. My ball and chain will be done a few months after that, again, a rather large amount that will not be going out.
Our only debt includes my Student Loan Debt. Other than that, we have no debt.
All of that- it doesn't matter. What matters is what He thinks. And what He thinks is that we will never be in a position to buy a placemat, let alone a whole other child. Plus the insurance situation.
Whatever. I can throw a week's worth of words at him and I'm not going to change his mind, There's not enough respect going on for that to happen.
AND< here's the big issue: I cannot imagine ever initiating sex again : (. I cannot risk being shot down again. He doesn't ever want to have sex, I think the few times he has since we got married were more of a pity-fuck than anything. That makes me want to puke. I don't want to be a pity-fuck. I want him to be intimate with me because HE wants to, not just to appease me. He used to. He used to think I was pretty and cute and sexy... no more.
And, here's another thing- I don't want to have sex just to make a baby. I don't attempt to schedule sex around ovulation. I'm sure he thinks otherwise because I ordered that Ovulation Predictor thingy for that lady my mom works with. I can't do that. It feels too forced to figure out ovulation patterns and have sex accordingly. That's just fucking... I want the make love kind of sex. I want to be close to him, I want us to feel intimate and touch and and all that good stuff. And the best kind of babies come from the making love kind of sex. I am not going to push a baby on him. Not anymore. No more talks about it, with the exception of his Talk he wanted to say to me. I am too afraid that he would resent a baby that he didn't want. And that would make me sad, sad for the rest of my life.
So when I started this post, I just wanted to say that maybe I assumed too much Saturday, and he actually left to go get something very nice for me. A nice gesture. But... no, no Buts. I am going to let that one simmer the way it is... a Good Thing. Something good for us.
Garage sale this weekend. Never done one before, don't know how to do it, pretty nervous about it. I should probably go work on that now.
Laters, Gators.
Turns out it was my Birthday cake. Um. Well. Ooops.
Still, we could have gone out together. He could have grabbed that cake and gotten it into the car with a "gotta run to the bathroom, be right back" at Krogers. He knows how to pull things like that off. He is very good at surprises. And when I am at the grocery, I am pretty oblivious to anything going on because I am trying to do this couponing thing, figure out proteins for meals, what's the best price, etc...
Does it really matter though? probably not. I think that whole deal was left over upset/anger/embarrassment from the Slam on Sex (SOS? that's prolly not funny either, but I had to point it out lol) from the weekend before.
I wonder if the Grill is my birthday present?
Which is fine. And its well put together this time (lol), plus a day off from making dinner... it was nice.
Oh. And the singing around the birthday cake. That was very nice, with all the kiddos, parents, Lisa... there. that turned out well... and guess what! It wasn't even planned! an example of what happens when you don't plan and just let things happen.
I digress.
What I really really wanted for my birthday was an "I Love YOU, Amanda Jane"... and maybe that Talk he alluded to the weekend before (SOS... yep, still talking about it... I did explain how deep that type of rejection hurts, and I guess will take awhile to get past... if ever, that girl at the funeral surely wasn't over after even years... yuck). I would like to hear why he doesn't want to have another baby with me.
I understand the age thing. He just became a Grandpa, which must hit hard on the "feeling old" hormone. I get that.
I also know that he married me knowing that I am 18 years younger and still have a lot of life left to live that he has already lived. It is unfair to deny me the opportunity to live the life I want and to the fullest.
And that life involves another child. Maybe if we had not lost Brandon, this wouldn't be an issue. In fact, I am sure of it.
But my life includes two children to raise. I mean, past the age of 7. You know? I hate that, once again, I am under his thumb and have to bow down to whatever he wants. When do we go with what I want? Doesn't seem like ever.
Most issues are trivial and I can work around. This is NOT trivial. This is so very important to me. I would be crushed if I were never allowed to have another child.
And I hate that word "allowed". We should be equals- you know, Husband and Wife, Mom and Dad. But there is a severe imbalance in our relationship. Most of it has to do with money. I am sure that having another child, or rather not wanting another child, has something to do with money. But, he makes well over the median amount for a family of four. Especially when we are done with Jess's college. That doesn't bother me, but it is a big expense right now. So she will be done next (March? April?) and that's a big chunk of change that will bounce back into our account. My ball and chain will be done a few months after that, again, a rather large amount that will not be going out.
Our only debt includes my Student Loan Debt. Other than that, we have no debt.
All of that- it doesn't matter. What matters is what He thinks. And what He thinks is that we will never be in a position to buy a placemat, let alone a whole other child. Plus the insurance situation.
Whatever. I can throw a week's worth of words at him and I'm not going to change his mind, There's not enough respect going on for that to happen.
AND< here's the big issue: I cannot imagine ever initiating sex again : (. I cannot risk being shot down again. He doesn't ever want to have sex, I think the few times he has since we got married were more of a pity-fuck than anything. That makes me want to puke. I don't want to be a pity-fuck. I want him to be intimate with me because HE wants to, not just to appease me. He used to. He used to think I was pretty and cute and sexy... no more.
And, here's another thing- I don't want to have sex just to make a baby. I don't attempt to schedule sex around ovulation. I'm sure he thinks otherwise because I ordered that Ovulation Predictor thingy for that lady my mom works with. I can't do that. It feels too forced to figure out ovulation patterns and have sex accordingly. That's just fucking... I want the make love kind of sex. I want to be close to him, I want us to feel intimate and touch and and all that good stuff. And the best kind of babies come from the making love kind of sex. I am not going to push a baby on him. Not anymore. No more talks about it, with the exception of his Talk he wanted to say to me. I am too afraid that he would resent a baby that he didn't want. And that would make me sad, sad for the rest of my life.
So when I started this post, I just wanted to say that maybe I assumed too much Saturday, and he actually left to go get something very nice for me. A nice gesture. But... no, no Buts. I am going to let that one simmer the way it is... a Good Thing. Something good for us.
Garage sale this weekend. Never done one before, don't know how to do it, pretty nervous about it. I should probably go work on that now.
Laters, Gators.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I don't even know what to call this.
God Damnit. I try. I really do. I try so fucking hard to get to know him, to spend time with him, but its really kinda hard, if not impossible, when he not reciprocating... or even receptive. I asked him to go with me today to the store. I thought it would be kinda fun to hang out at the Home Depot together. Look at paint colors, check things out, just have fun. Or at least be together. And holy hell would freeze over apparently before he would want to voluntarily spend time with me. Sure. He spends time with me here, in our house... but does he really have a choice? I mean, we both live here. But god damnit if he would want to go somewhere with me, without me begging.
I asked him to go with me last night to see the Pyschidelic. Nope, he says.
I asked him to go with me to the store today. That doesn't sound very exciting, he says.
Last weekend was the most humilating moment of my life. It took A LOT of courage to ask him to... you know. And you know what he said? Let's have a talk. A FUCKING TALK. Wow. Thanks dude. That's a buzz kill. Not to mention embarassing. Jesus. AND THEN, because I didn't want to hear the same song and dance I've heard the past 3 years, I bailed on The Talk, to go to the store (which, incidentally, he also declined to go). BUT, he did request condoms.
Condoms? What The Fuck? Are you serious? We have NEVER, EVER, EVER used a rubber. What is the fucking deal?
Why am I such a piece of trash, not capable of being a mother apparently? I don't fucking get it. Really? I mean, I'm not already a mommy? And a DAMN GOOD mommy? Is Grayson not happy, healthy, getting smarter everyday?
Do you have any idea what it feels like to be turned down for sex? OR, to have to qualify first with A Talk and a Rubber? Do you have any idea what that does to a woman's confidence, self-esteem? Do you understand that that hurts in a place that is so deep down that it grinds and stabs and hurts?
He had told me a story about a woman that he met when he was in high school (so I guess she was a girl really, but whatever), and he had declined to sleep with her... and then many, many years later she showed up to his stepdad's funeral, and she was still so upset and hurt and angry about that incident. Did he not get it? That you can't just do that to a woman, but... and this is the stick, he did it to his wife. WIFE.
Although I'm not even sure he regards me as his wife? It sure as fuck doesn't feel like it.
So what set me off here is that I asked him to go with me today, and of course he declined ("that doesn't sound too exciting"). So I get him, unload, ready to do something, ANYTHING, together... and he says "well, I'm going to the store." Um... WHAT? Why would you wait until I got home to go? Of course I know the answer. To decrease the time he has to be around me. I'm gone for 3 1/2 hours, I get home, and then he leaves. Perfect. That is just fucking perfect. So what if your scripts weren't ready until 5? Uh, yeah, you could have MENTIONED that, and I would have waited to go so I could go with you, since I am out from 12-7 today.
I don't understand. I am so so tired of trying so hard and getting slammed down every time. That wall is so huge and thick and built out stone, brick and super glue, and there just doesn't seem to be a way for me to break it down and get to him.
BUT, maybe the problem is is because he is pushing, holding that wall up as hard as he can. He doesn't WANT ME to break it down. He DOESN'T WANT ME. Not in the intimate, marriage-type, we're in this together type of way. Sure, I'm good for taking care of his child, getting Gray out of his way when he gets frustrated and upset with him (which seems to be a lot). I can do his laundry and feed his face. Yep. That's all I'm good for.
So I am feeling really great right now, and I love it and its my favorite to feel like a piece of shit, a burden, a pity-fuck, to my husband. Yep. Its so awesome.
So that's my Saturday afternoon. How's yours?
I asked him to go with me last night to see the Pyschidelic. Nope, he says.
I asked him to go with me to the store today. That doesn't sound very exciting, he says.
Last weekend was the most humilating moment of my life. It took A LOT of courage to ask him to... you know. And you know what he said? Let's have a talk. A FUCKING TALK. Wow. Thanks dude. That's a buzz kill. Not to mention embarassing. Jesus. AND THEN, because I didn't want to hear the same song and dance I've heard the past 3 years, I bailed on The Talk, to go to the store (which, incidentally, he also declined to go). BUT, he did request condoms.
Condoms? What The Fuck? Are you serious? We have NEVER, EVER, EVER used a rubber. What is the fucking deal?
Why am I such a piece of trash, not capable of being a mother apparently? I don't fucking get it. Really? I mean, I'm not already a mommy? And a DAMN GOOD mommy? Is Grayson not happy, healthy, getting smarter everyday?
Do you have any idea what it feels like to be turned down for sex? OR, to have to qualify first with A Talk and a Rubber? Do you have any idea what that does to a woman's confidence, self-esteem? Do you understand that that hurts in a place that is so deep down that it grinds and stabs and hurts?
He had told me a story about a woman that he met when he was in high school (so I guess she was a girl really, but whatever), and he had declined to sleep with her... and then many, many years later she showed up to his stepdad's funeral, and she was still so upset and hurt and angry about that incident. Did he not get it? That you can't just do that to a woman, but... and this is the stick, he did it to his wife. WIFE.
Although I'm not even sure he regards me as his wife? It sure as fuck doesn't feel like it.
So what set me off here is that I asked him to go with me today, and of course he declined ("that doesn't sound too exciting"). So I get him, unload, ready to do something, ANYTHING, together... and he says "well, I'm going to the store." Um... WHAT? Why would you wait until I got home to go? Of course I know the answer. To decrease the time he has to be around me. I'm gone for 3 1/2 hours, I get home, and then he leaves. Perfect. That is just fucking perfect. So what if your scripts weren't ready until 5? Uh, yeah, you could have MENTIONED that, and I would have waited to go so I could go with you, since I am out from 12-7 today.
I don't understand. I am so so tired of trying so hard and getting slammed down every time. That wall is so huge and thick and built out stone, brick and super glue, and there just doesn't seem to be a way for me to break it down and get to him.
BUT, maybe the problem is is because he is pushing, holding that wall up as hard as he can. He doesn't WANT ME to break it down. He DOESN'T WANT ME. Not in the intimate, marriage-type, we're in this together type of way. Sure, I'm good for taking care of his child, getting Gray out of his way when he gets frustrated and upset with him (which seems to be a lot). I can do his laundry and feed his face. Yep. That's all I'm good for.
So I am feeling really great right now, and I love it and its my favorite to feel like a piece of shit, a burden, a pity-fuck, to my husband. Yep. Its so awesome.
So that's my Saturday afternoon. How's yours?
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Times They Are A Changin
So I guess I'm going to be 36 in a few days. I guess I really don't have a choice. Its a strange age... closer to 40 than 30. That means I need to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up. Here's the problem... I already figured it out! But then I got royally... fucked. And so gone is that dream. I hit the glass ceiling.. the youngest Business Manager in the state... AND THEN I shattered that sucker by being a female too! Wow. I did some really amazing stuff. And it was just a few years ago! So this is what I am thinking... since I'm (s-l-o-w-l-y) getting my mojo back, I'm pretty sure I can do amazing things again. Yes? I just gotta figure out what that "amazing thing" is...
But about this birthday. If anyone is interested, this is my Wish List...
1. For my Charlie to tell me he loves me. Man. It's been so so long since he has said those three (four if you throw Shortie on the end... five if you throw Amanda Jane on the end... six if you then throw Wifey on the end...), but anyway, I am not sure when the switch got flipped and his "I Love Yous" got buried, but it does kinda hurt that he can't seem to bring himself to say them. Does that mean that he doesn't love me? No. I'm pretty sure not. I just wish he still wanted me, still was attracted to me, still couldn't stop himself from muttering those three little words that make my heart smile and tear at the same time. I wish he could love me like he used to. Was it the panty hose? The status of having a Pretty Young Thang... and a smart, successful one to boot? I dunno. I wish I did know. I wish I knew a lot of things about him. I try. I really do. I try to break that wall down, and sometimes I do, but then it goes back up so quickly : (. This marriage stuff is hard. I get that. I really do. But giving me those three words would make it all so much... easier, better, lighter... to know, to hear, that he does love me.... So... That's my Number One. On to Number Two...
2. I want this: http://www.amazon.com/Brookstone-Waterhog-Entry-Mat/dp/B000O74MZS/ref=pd_sbs_ol_11... tan for the front door, navy for the back.
3. A curling iron. Any old curling iron will do, but definitely with a quick heat up and automatic shut off. Safety First you know.
4. A red string... here's the story: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_string_(Kabbalah)... (I kinda need all the help I can get)
5. Freedom would be awesome, it is a cornerstone of this (great?) country we live in... but... Mr. Witham said no : (. Which makes me very sad.
6. This sucker would be fun! http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=4052861&CAWELAID=480496171 Especially for me and Gray seeing as how we will be spending another year at our homestead... and shipping is free! Woo hoo! PLUS, since my birthday is being postponed until the July 4th weekend (sorry Zak, but I really do kinda need my boy home for the party...)
7.AND?/OR most likely, this would be super fun to have... http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0026MTCJK/ref=asc_df_B0026MTCJK1577639?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&tag=dealt431519-20&linkCode=asn&creative=395093&creativeASIN=B0026MTCJK... or maybe wait until we can do a really nice super duper pool? Prolly a good idea : ). Scratch #7.
8. Tretorns. Size 8. White CANVAS. With blue swishy thing.
9. A new kitchen? Aw, dreams... (which I am absolutely allowed to have... how can a person live a life without striving for something? I mean, something besides money in the bank. Although nice, there has to be a cap, in which a person can make their life better, more comfortable... things aren't all that important, except they are... things that a person can be proud of, can enjoy, can feel comfortable... I gotta start making my own money so that I can have a respected position in the money conversations... as is, I feel as though I am not allowed to want for anything, because I don't bring anything in. Except I do? I am raising a wonderful, sweet, smart little boy... and that is priceless. So maybe I'm projecting? and I wonder why I always get so damn deep in these blog posts? I suppose I am "brain writing" without regard to the words I am typing... these words are real, they are raw, they are mine, with no editing.) Okay, on to the next Wish...
10. A baby. And I think this one is actually above my #1 wish. I was never meant to be the momma of an only child. I don't want that for Grayson. Its lonely. Having siblings means eventually having more family... sister/brother-in-laws, nieces and nephews, so on... family is so important to me, and I have instilled that in my Grayson. I would love to... no, I NEED to... give Gray a sibling. But this is such a complicated issue. And actually, since I bailed on "The Talk," I don't even know what the hell the issue is? How can a new baby be anything but a blessing? This actually goes with #1 I guess, where I suppose I need to understand that man I am married to better so that I can play a real part in this marriage, instead of offering up ideas and getting shot down, or having to have a talk about why we can't do this or that... its so frustrating to me, because I get the NO loud and clear, but then no reasoning? And then.. no compromise? This makes me sad, I'm going to be 36, my clock is starting to tick, and his is ticking LOUD... why not? why no? why no baby? I wish I knew. And I wish we could talk it through so that maybe its a possibility. I have to stop this, I have tears streaming and that funny little gut wrench that makes you want to reach in and grab your heart out so you don't have to feel the pain.
Wow. This was supposed to be a fun birthday post, with all kinds of silliness and wishes, and it turned into a Heart Pouring. I wish these words weren't swirling around in my head, but maybe that was the point... that I needed to pull the words and thoughts outof the swirl, see them with my eyes, feel them under the keys, and get the swirl under control. But here's the problem... now the Swirl is swirling even faster, with many words and thoughts and feelings all jumbled up... I'm a mess. I just wish I knew why #1 He doesn't love me like he used to, #2, he doesn't want me (intimately) like he used to, and #3 what's so wrong with me that I am not allowed to have another sweet bundle of babyness? These are questions I've had for so long, and will probably continue to have, because I can't seem to pull the answers out.
So, to change the subject, I think I'm going to call the Temple of Enlightenment (or something like that) and see about an appointment with a psychic? Or maybe a Medium? Cause here's why... #1 I desperately want to talk to my boys (my baby and my daddy) and ask them a few questions that have been weighing me down, and #2 I want to know what path my life is going to take so that I can build on that. So those are my reasons for wanting an appointment. I think I am strong enough to handle any fall out that may occur, answers from my boys that maybe I don't necessarily want to hear, but I think I need to hear them.
And also, Blanket Drive anyone? Check us out on Facebook= http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/White-Blanket-Blanket-Drive-hosted-by-Tony-Grayson-and-Amanda-Zurwell/163112573752867?sk=info the info page of the profile tells the story of Brandon's Blanket (how I wish I had it here with me... one of my greatest regrets, but at the time it made sense to send it off with him). Anyway, its a good thing, its a good cause, and reaching our goal of 100 blankies will make getting through this six week period between his birthday (May 23) and the day we lost him (4 years ago on July 8) so much easier, knowing that this planet has not forgotten my sweet little boy, and warming the hearts (and bodies) of those in need. Please consider it. Blankets don't need to be fancy, or expensive, those rolled up fleece blankets are the most popular at the Soup Kitchen, and what are they? $5 or $6 bucks? Please consider this and if you can, pick up a blankie sometime to donate. You have no idea how your one donated blanket will cause so much joy. And Joy is what we need during this difficult time.
I gotta stop typing. I'm very... wordy? emotional? something tonight, and prolly need to go back and edit tomorrow morning. Fornow, I will leave the words raw.
ps Its a Full Moon tonight... maybe that's my deal?
Azers to the Zzers
But about this birthday. If anyone is interested, this is my Wish List...
1. For my Charlie to tell me he loves me. Man. It's been so so long since he has said those three (four if you throw Shortie on the end... five if you throw Amanda Jane on the end... six if you then throw Wifey on the end...), but anyway, I am not sure when the switch got flipped and his "I Love Yous" got buried, but it does kinda hurt that he can't seem to bring himself to say them. Does that mean that he doesn't love me? No. I'm pretty sure not. I just wish he still wanted me, still was attracted to me, still couldn't stop himself from muttering those three little words that make my heart smile and tear at the same time. I wish he could love me like he used to. Was it the panty hose? The status of having a Pretty Young Thang... and a smart, successful one to boot? I dunno. I wish I did know. I wish I knew a lot of things about him. I try. I really do. I try to break that wall down, and sometimes I do, but then it goes back up so quickly : (. This marriage stuff is hard. I get that. I really do. But giving me those three words would make it all so much... easier, better, lighter... to know, to hear, that he does love me.... So... That's my Number One. On to Number Two...
2. I want this: http://www.amazon.com/Brookstone-Waterhog-Entry-Mat/dp/B000O74MZS/ref=pd_sbs_ol_11... tan for the front door, navy for the back.
3. A curling iron. Any old curling iron will do, but definitely with a quick heat up and automatic shut off. Safety First you know.
4. A red string... here's the story: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_string_(Kabbalah)... (I kinda need all the help I can get)
5. Freedom would be awesome, it is a cornerstone of this (great?) country we live in... but... Mr. Witham said no : (. Which makes me very sad.
6. This sucker would be fun! http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=4052861&CAWELAID=480496171 Especially for me and Gray seeing as how we will be spending another year at our homestead... and shipping is free! Woo hoo! PLUS, since my birthday is being postponed until the July 4th weekend (sorry Zak, but I really do kinda need my boy home for the party...)
7.
8. Tretorns. Size 8. White CANVAS. With blue swishy thing.
9. A new kitchen? Aw, dreams... (which I am absolutely allowed to have... how can a person live a life without striving for something? I mean, something besides money in the bank. Although nice, there has to be a cap, in which a person can make their life better, more comfortable... things aren't all that important, except they are... things that a person can be proud of, can enjoy, can feel comfortable... I gotta start making my own money so that I can have a respected position in the money conversations... as is, I feel as though I am not allowed to want for anything, because I don't bring anything in. Except I do? I am raising a wonderful, sweet, smart little boy... and that is priceless. So maybe I'm projecting? and I wonder why I always get so damn deep in these blog posts? I suppose I am "brain writing" without regard to the words I am typing... these words are real, they are raw, they are mine, with no editing.) Okay, on to the next Wish...
10. A baby. And I think this one is actually above my #1 wish. I was never meant to be the momma of an only child. I don't want that for Grayson. Its lonely. Having siblings means eventually having more family... sister/brother-in-laws, nieces and nephews, so on... family is so important to me, and I have instilled that in my Grayson. I would love to... no, I NEED to... give Gray a sibling. But this is such a complicated issue. And actually, since I bailed on "The Talk," I don't even know what the hell the issue is? How can a new baby be anything but a blessing? This actually goes with #1 I guess, where I suppose I need to understand that man I am married to better so that I can play a real part in this marriage, instead of offering up ideas and getting shot down, or having to have a talk about why we can't do this or that... its so frustrating to me, because I get the NO loud and clear, but then no reasoning? And then.. no compromise? This makes me sad, I'm going to be 36, my clock is starting to tick, and his is ticking LOUD... why not? why no? why no baby? I wish I knew. And I wish we could talk it through so that maybe its a possibility. I have to stop this, I have tears streaming and that funny little gut wrench that makes you want to reach in and grab your heart out so you don't have to feel the pain.
Wow. This was supposed to be a fun birthday post, with all kinds of silliness and wishes, and it turned into a Heart Pouring. I wish these words weren't swirling around in my head, but maybe that was the point... that I needed to pull the words and thoughts outof the swirl, see them with my eyes, feel them under the keys, and get the swirl under control. But here's the problem... now the Swirl is swirling even faster, with many words and thoughts and feelings all jumbled up... I'm a mess. I just wish I knew why #1 He doesn't love me like he used to, #2, he doesn't want me (intimately) like he used to, and #3 what's so wrong with me that I am not allowed to have another sweet bundle of babyness? These are questions I've had for so long, and will probably continue to have, because I can't seem to pull the answers out.
So, to change the subject, I think I'm going to call the Temple of Enlightenment (or something like that) and see about an appointment with a psychic? Or maybe a Medium? Cause here's why... #1 I desperately want to talk to my boys (my baby and my daddy) and ask them a few questions that have been weighing me down, and #2 I want to know what path my life is going to take so that I can build on that. So those are my reasons for wanting an appointment. I think I am strong enough to handle any fall out that may occur, answers from my boys that maybe I don't necessarily want to hear, but I think I need to hear them.
And also, Blanket Drive anyone? Check us out on Facebook= http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/White-Blanket-Blanket-Drive-hosted-by-Tony-Grayson-and-Amanda-Zurwell/163112573752867?sk=info the info page of the profile tells the story of Brandon's Blanket (how I wish I had it here with me... one of my greatest regrets, but at the time it made sense to send it off with him). Anyway, its a good thing, its a good cause, and reaching our goal of 100 blankies will make getting through this six week period between his birthday (May 23) and the day we lost him (4 years ago on July 8) so much easier, knowing that this planet has not forgotten my sweet little boy, and warming the hearts (and bodies) of those in need. Please consider it. Blankets don't need to be fancy, or expensive, those rolled up fleece blankets are the most popular at the Soup Kitchen, and what are they? $5 or $6 bucks? Please consider this and if you can, pick up a blankie sometime to donate. You have no idea how your one donated blanket will cause so much joy. And Joy is what we need during this difficult time.
I gotta stop typing. I'm very... wordy? emotional? something tonight, and prolly need to go back and edit tomorrow morning. Fornow, I will leave the words raw.
ps Its a Full Moon tonight... maybe that's my deal?
Azers to the Zzers
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